"When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart."-Frederick Buechner

Today was Grady's birthday. And I have so many thoughts swirling around....I miss him. I miss him so much. I am so thankful that I had him in my life, and I am so grateful for his love. I would have been Charin Shipman by this day. Grady said that he wanted us to get married before his birthday.....how very different this time would be.
But life? Life is not always what we plan. I am just thankful for the time that I did have with him. I still love him so much, and he has my heart. Always will.
Getting through this grief, this terrible aching loss is very hard. For everyone that loved him.
Katie asks to talk about about him every night before she goes to bed. She loved him...Colin looks at his pictures and smiles.
And so, step and step. I am trying to find my new path.
I have read so many books since I lost him...about the grief process, about philosophy.
It's a struggle, it's hard. I have never felt pain like this.
But beyond all of that, I have such a deep rooted thankfulness for him. How precious of a gift I was given, for us to have our lives and hearts intertwined.
*Thank you God*
I love you Grady. Happy Birthday.

Our story....

I have a story to tell. I know that it has been many, many months since I've posted on here. So much has changed...so if you're ready I'll tell you my story.

I had been going through a very difficult time in my life...life was changing drastically. I was hurt..broken.
Just getting through my every day-so thankful for my beautiful children who made me "ok".
One day I saw this man...Grady Shipman. I had heard of Grady, living in such a small town it seems that everyone always hears of the other person.
That was the first time though that we'd had occasion to actually talk. And we talked for nearly three hours. :)
I remember he asked me SO many questions that day...where did I grow up, did I go to college, why was I the only one in the bank wearing dress clothes? :) (It was casual Friday) We talked and talked.
It felt like we'd known each other forever.
Jumping forward a bit...Grady and I started talking a bit, outside of work. And one day we said that we should talk. He said it needed to be a face to face conversation. I remember being strangely nervous that day. :)
We talked...he said that he liked me. A lot. :) And that he understood all of the things that I had gone through. Grady had this way of knowing things about me that no one knew. Hadn't talked to anyone about them. He saw me. For exactly who I am.
I found my "home". I remember one of the first times I was over at his house, I was so drained..life had been somewhat of a mess. I was SO drained. And Grady reached his arms out to hug me..I walked over to him and he hugged me. I fell asleep, on my feet! In two seconds! haha
I have never done that, didn't know it was actually possible to fall asleep that quickly. I was safe. He was my home.
We knew that we were completely in love. Crazy in love. From our first day as "us" we were inseperable. Ridiculously happy. :)
We would dance, all the time. He shared my love for Prince and Michael/Janet Jackson. :) We'd dance and play, all the time.
We said "I love you" very quickly...because, as we later told each other, we both knew. There was absolutely no doubt in our minds. It is SO unbelievably magical to meet someone and to know like that. To know that they see your soul. It's beautiful.
We talked about everything- religion, philosophy, art, music, our children, our lives up until we had met each other. We both loved reading. One day Grady gave me this book..."A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. He told me that he wanted me to have it..just to hang onto it. He said that it might help me with some things that I had gone through. I remember thinking that was an odd choice of a book to give me :) but I read it and kept it, along with several others that he wanted me to have..."The Art of Happiness" and some that were not quite as philosophical or deep, but funny none the less. Like "Why do men have nipples?" :) :)
A little more time went on...and we talked about getting married. We both knew, like I said. It didn't matter that we had only been together a short time. We just knew. We talked about going to Vegas to get married, because he had been there several times and loved it, and we thought that since we were going to shock everyone anyway we may as well do it right! :)
We talked a lot about getting married...he wanted to get a vintage wedding ring for me. We said that was fitting, because our love felt like an "old love". Like we had been together forever, and just found each other again. We had picked out a ring for him. ♥

We were like a family. My children adored him, and he loved them too.
I remember the first time Colin saw him...his eyes got SO big, and he got a huge smile on his face. He looked back and forth between Grady and I for the longest time. ♥
Katie said to me one time when I was having a rough day "Don't worry Mama, the prince, Grady, is going to take us to his house! We'll be so happy!" :) Yep, she got it...Grady was my safe place to fall, always.
Everyday things became beautiful...watching The Office together :) cooking chili, listening to our playlist on Youtube...a great mix of things like Prince, Diana Krall, Jill Scott, Floetry and India Arie. "Our song"..Butterflies by Michael Jackson.
We listened to that one over and over and over. I remember one evening Katie and Colin had fallen asleep on the couch. Grady dimmed the living room lights and we danced in his living room..barefoot and comfortable.
After the song was over he said "That was cheesy, wasn't it?" and I said "I like cheesy" he whispered "me too" and held me.
We read my copy of the book "She" by Kobi Yamada. Our favorite quote was "She decided to start living the life she'd imagined" That was so true, for both of us...we wanted to change the she to we and hang it up in our house when we got married.
We had always believed that life really could be that beautiful-that you really could have a happiness SO perfect. And it was real. :) We were living it, every day.
Grady wanted us to watch the movie "What Dreams May Come" early on in our relationship...he told me I'd get it. That it was us.
We watched it together.
One evening Grady told me that he needed to talk to me. I wasn't sure what it was about...he seemed burdened. I kept asking him if he was ready to talk, and he would put it off...he kept asking me "Are you sure? You might learn more than you've bargained for" of course I wanted to talk about whatever it is. We always shared everything...
he looked at me. And he looked like his heart was hurting. He told me (I will never forget these words) "I am not long for this world". My world started spinning, I cried and cried. Didn't understand it...didn't want to believe it.
Grady had been in a horrible motorcycle accident about 4 1/2 years ago..I didn't know him at the time but had heard how horrible it was. He was pronounced dead three times the day of the accident. Absolute miracle that he lived through it.
And Grady told me several times since we'd been together that he was waiting for me...that's why he lived through the accident. He said that he knew the first time he saw me, that I was who he'd been waiting for. He said that he actually thought to himself "Whoops...there she is" the first time we spoke. :)
He said that he breathed in, and out because of me. That I made him not want to give up. He had seizures from the accident...he hurt, all the time. Never complained. He told me that he wouldn't trade the experience of being in the accident because he had learned SO much. He said "Pain's good...suffering is good. Because it teaches you, and then you just know."
The night that Grady told me that he knew he didn't have long we were both hurting...both cried. I didn't want to believe it, like I said. I asked him how long he thought he had. He said he didn't think he had a year.
He told me that he was so sorry..that he thought that maybe he shouldn't have let me in, shouldn't have gotten close to me. Because he never ever wanted me to hurt. He said he didn't want to have to leave me.
He said that he remembered when he was pronounced dead from the accident...he said that death is nothing to be afraid of. That it's beautiful..calm. Peaceful and LOVELY. He told me he would never leave me...that when he passed away that death is just another step...just the next step. That he would always love me. That he would just go to sleep one day, and not wake up. And that he would be ok. And that he would never stop being here for me.
That night was so hard for us....but we both knew without any doubt that it was all worth it. If we had five minutes together, it was all worth it.
We loved each other so completely.
I asked him one time why he thought that we'd find each other, to be torn apart quickly. He and I were both sad that day. We talked again about how we would never truly be apart. We were one.
And it began to make sense...the movie, the book. He was preparing me.
Time went on....Grady had days that were hard, that he would get really sick from the seizures. And he'd always recover.
One day I e-mailed him to check on him because he'd had a really rough time, and this is what he wrote back to me "I'm ok....just staying awake...still fighting my love...not giving up yet, OK?"
He fought it. He never complained. :)
Time went on...more dancing, more days of him chasing me and tickling me until I would scream laughing :) more listening to music..more dreaming and planning our life together. He said that he wanted us to get married before his birthday in June.
So many little memories...we had tv trays for Katie and Colin, they'd always eat their chicken nuggets off of that while we'd sit on the futon. :) He had hooked up a small tv and DVD player in his bedroom so Katie could watch her cartoons. We'd always watch American Idol together..he'd record it on his DVR and we'd wait a little bit to watch it so we could fast forward through the commercials.
One night we took the kids to the part after 10 at night :) SO much fun...they were excited! We played on the swings, talked and laughed.
He laughed at me wearing my zebra print ballet flats and big necklaces and I laughed at him, wearing his "comfortable shirts" that had holes all in them :)...one time we went to Maurices and I was getting just one necklace. He was watching me shop with a smile on his face, and when I got to the checkout line he said "Charin, buy one get one 1/2 off!" ;) He spoiled me...wanted me to take care of myself.
He gave me the BEST massages, ever. He was teaching me some yoga..that's another book that he gave me. He told me yoga was brilliant. :)
Our days were full of little things, that meant the world to us both. They were beautiful.
And then March 8th..he was having seizures, wasn't himself. I got him to go with me to the ER. That was a rough night. He wasn't himself..didn't remember it because the seizures were so bad. The next day he "came out of it" and was back to smiling, saying he felt better...he just wanted to go home. They released him to come home, and He was SO glad to be there. He was tired, really tired.
He told me he was ok, just tired. That evening I didn't stay long at all, we left early so he could get some sleep.
He called me twice that night...the second time he called me he said "It's your stalker" :) and while we were talking he heard Colin fussing..he said "He needs some milk, Mama". Grady always went and fixed Colin bottles when he needed one.
We talked for awhile, and Grady actually fell asleep talking to me-we were getting off the phone and I said "I love you". He whispered "I love you too" and fell asleep. ;)
That next morning, March 10th, he sent me a text at 5:50..."Good Morning!". We talked a lot that morning, he e-mailed me several times and he said that he was feeling better. I went and saw him on lunch, and he said that he felt some better, he was just really tired.
We walked and got his mail...and he said some things to me that I will never ever forget. He said "You're lovely...beautiful. All that. Amazing. And I know you're brushing this off right now, but it's true. I love you so much. You have been much better to me than I deserve" We told each other how very much we love each other, I said that it was SO worth it. That I wanted him to be ok, to be healthy and well again. To not hurt anymore.
He and I held each other so tight. I had to get back to work, I told him to get some rest and feel better. He said he'd be ok, just tired.
That evening when I got off work I went over to see him, he was REALLY tired. We visited for awhile, but I had to pick up my kids. I told him I didn't think that I'd bring them back over that way he could just rest and feel better. That I'd see him the next day.
But then, at about 8:30 that night I was crawling out of my skin....missed him SO much, had to see him.
We went over there, and I laid Colin on his chest to wake him up. He woke up and said "hey!" to Colin, gave him kisses and held him. Then he hugged me...he held me so tight that night..it was like he didn't want to let go. We held each other, said I love you...he talked to Katie. And then I told him we should go, and that we'd see him tomorrow. I said I love you, and he said I love you too...I asked him if he was going to be alright, if he was going to recover. And he said "I'll be fine, I'm just tired" we said I love you again...he laid down on his futon and the kids and I left. He was sleeping before we left the front door. SO tired.
The next morning I didn't hear from him. I was scared...I think I knew. Didn't want to believe it. Grady was always ok..always recovered.
Didn't hear from him...at about 10 I left work, had to go check on him, couldn't stand it anymore.
And I hadn't gotten completely in the house when I knew. He was gone. It was just like he told me...just like he'd been preparing me for. "I will just go to sleep one day, and I won't wake up. And I'll be ok, I won't ever leave you"
My beautiful love, my soul mate and my other half was sleeping...he was in that "beautiful, lovely calm" place that he had seen glimpses of before. And I know that he hasn't left me..death is just another step. Our life is only part of our journey.
And I am so thankful for his love. I am so thankful for him. He has my heart...and I am still struggling to breathe a lot of times. He and I had a perfect love, and he restored my faith that life really is beautiful. Regardless of what we go through.
He has given me enough love to last my entire life. I love him...will always love him.
And all of those beautiful things about love at first sight, soul mates and a complete joy with someone? They are absolutely true.
Grady and I were given an incredible blessing in that we had no regrets...we told each other constantly how we felt about each other and never had a moment of fighting or anything coming between us. Don't hesitate to tell someone. If you love them, tell them. Life is much too short...and love is worth everything.
Thank you Grady...I love you hon, and I miss you more than words can say.
*This new playlist on my blog is a sampling of "our songs"